10 of the best cheese jokes

Let’s say you’re at a dinner party or down the pub. I guarantee that on one of these occasions, after a few drinks, someone will get the (mozzarella) ball rolling. Before you know it, you’re all groaning at the cheese jokes you’ve heard 100 times before, while desperately trying to outdo your friends with equally awful puns.

This is how it went at my friend’s wedding this weekend. We were taking a break from the dancefloor, the alcohol was flowing — it was inevitable that someone started the cheese banter. I even made one up and there were lols! Twas a proud moment.

And so I was inspired to pen this post: a dedication to the cheese joke. I declare these 10 the crème de la crème of fromage-related wit. Read them, remember them and reel them off at a future social gathering. You won’t fail to impress.

1) What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?

Halloumi

2) What do you call a cheese factory in the Middle East?

Cheeses of Nazareth

3) Which cheese would you use to coax a bear from the woods?

Camembert!

4) What do you call cheese that’s not yours?

Nacho cheese

5) What music does cheese like?

R’n’Brie

6) What do you call a curly-haired cheese?

Permesan

7) What do you call a crazy cheese?

Emmental*

8) Would a smoked cheese grow on a tree?

No, but an Applewood

9) Why did the cheese lose a fight with a stone?

Because the Roquefort back

10) Which is the most feminist cheese?

Germaine Gruyère

Disagree? Tell me your faves.


*Copyright Laura Caun 2015

The Rachel

Way back in August, I happened to be in Bristol. After a balloon festival, several mammoth meals and local beers, the weekend was nicely rounded off by a visit to the Arch House Deli’s cheese counter in charismatic Clifton. Life, clearly, has been hectic and this post is somewhat belated, but I didn’t want to deprive you of a wonderful West Country discovery.

Balloons in Bristol

“What would you recommend?” I inquire. The server points to a curvaceous, smooth white cheese speckled with small holes – “this is our most popular cheese.” And so off I trot back to London armed with a substantial portion of Rachel – a semi-soft goat’s cheese made by White Lake Cheeses of Somerset. 

The Rachel

White Lake Cheeses are regular winners at the prestigious British Cheese Awards, conquering three categories this year. Having won in previous years, it’s obvious Rachel is made by some of Britain's finest cheese makers. 

Back at home, I’ve attacked Rachel with my cheese knife, and I’m delighted. People of Clifton, you have excellent taste. The flavour is creamy and mild, and it’s all too easy to consume a small slither at a time until realising you’ve eaten half the block. 

Fancy a suitable beverage to accompany this fabulous cheese? Arch House Deli recommends a single variety cider or a decent white wine, such as a Sancerre.

Meanwhile, on White Lake’s website, we learn that Rachel is named after a friend who, like this cheese, is sweet, curvy and slightly nutty. As comparisons go, that's not so bad. Better than being sour and mouldy, eh?

Balearic hunk

I was introduced to Sacanova – no, Google, I don’t mean Casanova – by my parents, who’d kindly brought some back from their recent holiday to Majorca. This sizeable piece of cheese actually originates from one of the smaller Balearic islands, Menorca. 

Sacanova is nice and squishy, speckled with little holes and encased in a bright orange rind. Creamy and mild, the slight tanginess instantly reminds me of a sheep’s cheese such as Manchego or Ossau-Iraty. For the record, it’s classed as an aged Mahon, which is a white cheese made from cow’s milk. 

Although I enjoyed it neat, you could try it with a sprinkling of black pepper, tarragon and olive oil - apparently the traditional manner of eating Mahon cheeses. While inoffensive – more boy band than lothario – I for one wouldn’t turn down another serving of Sacanova.

It's a wrap

Pancakes are one of the few dishes that work equally well in their savoury and sweet incarnations. While I am all too fond of indulging my sweet tooth, there’s no denying that when cheese is involved, pancakes reach new levels of deliciousness. I went straight for the holy trinity: three cheese kale pancakes. 

I adapted this Waitrose recipe slightly: there weren’t any savoury pancakes available, so I used seeded tortilla wraps. Not quite the same texture, clearly, although I could easily roll them into cigar shapes in preparation for the oven. Also, there was no ricotta available, so I used a tomato stir-in sauce that included it ­— ingenious, I know.

Tortilla 'pancakes' with tomato sauce and ricotta filling

With sublime cheesy smells wafting from the oven, I waited in mouth-watering anticipation.

Ping pong mozzarella balls

I’m proud to tell you that, despite my substitutions, the tortillas emerged crisp, crunchy and blissfully cheesy. Very filling too.





You can also banish any thoughts of indulgence guilt, as the addition of superfood kale means that these pancakes are in fact very, very healthy. My advice is to get wrapping.